As promised, I am writing to give an update from our appointment today. And the verdict is: we still don't know anything. Bun is breech, I am still 1cm now 25% effaced and we don't know if we will be able to flip the baby. The doctor wants me to return on Friday (the last office day before the version would have to be done) for an ultrasound and another exam. Then we have to decide if a version is really what we want to do anyway. Though it has the potential to "give me what I want," we risk having to rush back for an emergency C-section, I would have to be put to sleep, miss the "delivery" and Bun would be only 37 weeks and a few days. Otherwise, I just "give up" and embrace everything that goes along with having a section: rapid delivery, sterile environment, Bun whisked away to the nursery, longer recovery, scary anesthesiologists (trust me, I work with them every day) and a beautiful, round-headed, well-cared for, big-eyed baby staring back at me. mmmm...
It seems that the Lord is teaching me very quickly how to make decisions. I have always had a difficult time making any decision. A trip to Baskin' Robins involved 30 choices too many. Instead we needed to go to a simpler ice cream stand where I still had to choose between chocolate, vanilla or swirl. To this day I still want chocolate AND vanilla but not swirled (then it is neither chocolate or vanilla any more). I could spend hours trying to choose a birthday card so I always had to just make them. I am always trying to weight the options, make the perfect decision, wondering if I will regret it down the line. In the past few weeks, I have been faced with more decisions than ever before. Replace the 26 year-old gas furnace in the nursery? With what? Flip the baby? Schedule a C-section? For when? Change my work schedule now and risk losing paid maternity leave? Get Margot groomed this week or closer to delivery? Replace the washer or just pay a couple hundred to get it repaired? And what in the world should I make for desert for our small group? I think the best option is to just take a nap.
But when I wake up all those decisions are still there. Today I decided to try a new approach. When it comes time to decide, I just need to make a decision and then not look back. So that's what I started to do. I still don't know HOW each decision is made, but I just don' t have the energy or time to spend another minute thinking about it. I would appologize for sounding so impetuous or careless, but I've already moved on.
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